How to Shame

I hurted my coworker’s feelings.

It’s difficult to modify the behavior of adults. Children aren’t too difficult; scolding, spanking and humiliation are used to teach children that brutality is often necessary to enforce expected conduct. Unfortunately as adults we can’t always rely on physically overwhelming transgressors. When adults fall short of our expectations (within legal limits) we have to rely on shame.

I picked up an interoffice phone call last week and a woman asked for my coworker. I told her she was out of the office. She asked where she was and I said I thought she had gone upstairs. She thanked me and hung up. When my coworker returned I told her about her call. She asked if it was her sister. I didn’t know. She left and returned after a bit with her 11 year old pubescent nephew. She pulled me aside privately and told me it wasn’t funny and I better stop playing around. I said I thought it was a lady because I work with adults. She fumed at me and said “God knows if you’re lying.”

And I suppose he does. I understand because I was raised in America. In other countries coworkers might say “You will reincarnate as a cockroach.” or “You will have fewer celestial virgins.” I’m not sure where Christianity shelves in the hierarchy of damnation.

Tis The Season

 

Phones Killed Fiction

The telephone is killing fiction. Phones have surpassed the state of accessory and become an Unavoidable Character.

I have been mind-drafting this post for awhile but was pushed to publish after watching The Happening. In this modern sci-fic a catastrophic Event is spreading across the Eastern Seaboard. Modern ubiquitous telecommunication ensures that the news unfolds to everyone everywhere in real time. Shyamalan uses phones to advance his plot; but he really had no choice. His only other option would have been to write-in an excuse for their failure, because Phones exist and can’t be ignored.

As a fiction writer I am stifled by phones. My choices are to write-in the technology, shift to a primitive era (like the 80’s) or relocate somewhere with bad reception (Shyamalan had to crutch this at one point). Eventually satellite technology will eliminate the third option, leaving us with increasingly hackneyed excuses and period pieces.

I just want to hang up.
CLICK

 

Cog Bias

I’ve been running a social experiment before party games. I give everyone at the table a stack of post-its and slap one in the middle of the table with the numbers 2, 4, 6 written on it. I explain that the numbers follow a rule, and they need to find out what the rule is. They may pass me any set of three numbers and I will mark YES or NO if their set follows the rule. They may submit as many sets as they like, and when everyone’s done we go around the table and hear their rules.

The rule is: ANY ASCENDING SERIES. No one has ever gotten it right. Dozens of people of varying degrees of professional education all failed to deduce the simple rule. Not only has no one ever inferred the correct answer, no one has ever submitted a NO series. I then explain their failure is due to Cognitive Bias, or more specifically, Confirmation Bias. No one challenged their theory, they just looked for confirmation.

Then comes the part of the evening where I am attacked and ridiculed for misrepresentation, poor presentation and bad hygiene. I have been increasingly cautious with my production and laundering to avoid this stage (to no avail). Every person on every point on every spectrum denies their cog bias.

I have succeeded in uniting Atheist, Christians, Darwinists, Creationists, Heathens, Pagans and Drunks under a common cause; Universal Denial

 

Cello Memo

Cello Memo

I’m fairly certain the scrap of thought scribbled in the dark means Celluloid Memories.
 
I don’t videotape events anymore and I pawn the bulk of camera work.  I used to diligently save precarious moments for posterity.  I quit, because I wasn’t saving them for myself.  My memories of events I’ve actively recorded are only the act of recording. My view is filtered through the lens. My focus is composition and focus.

Is the flash on?
Is everyone in frame?
Are the batteries getting low?
Heisenberg’s principal is uncertain.
 

I reminisce with my pictures and boxed images…and wish I’d been there.

CLICK

 

Hip Hop is our Vietnam

It went down on St. Valentines’ Day. Where was the Love?
The Geoduck Nation gathered on the campus of The Evergreen State College to imbibe in the mellow grooves and provocative political beat dropping glory of Dead Prez. The gig was derailed from the tracks of an uplifting conclusion thanks to the Polizei. A student was arrested for Herbal Enlightenment and summarily shackled, jacked and prepped for the hoosegow. The ghost of Marley haunted the crowd.

How many rivers do we have to cross,
Before we can talk to the boss? Eh!
All that we got, it seems we have lost;
We must have really paid the cost.
Burnin’ and a-lootin’ tonight
Burnin’ and a-lootin’ tonight

We weren’t around for the civil rights movement.
Hop Hop is our Vietnam.

 
Riot at Evergreen. Police car flipped.

 

Winner’s Guide to Pole Position

 

 

 

 

How to Waterboard

I recently tried out the extreme sport of waterboarding.  I’ve always been an adrenaline junkie, and am an accomplished kite surfer and paraglider, so when some acquaintances picked me up for a weekend of waterboarding, I was stoked!

 I was a bit hesitant at first, as I didn’t have any gear.  But I was assured everything I deserved would be provided.  After a few hours drive, our van parked inside a warehouse. I’m not sure where the warehouse is, as there were no windows in the back (my associates like to keep their best spots private).  

The waterboard was set up in a small alcove.  It looked a lot like a modified inversion table, like the ones used to ease back pain.  My buddies wasted no time in strapping me onto the table and into the safety harness.  Then they inverted me head down at a 45 degree angle. As the pressure released from my discs and spine, I could feel my circulation improving.  My lungs opened, and I felt a surge of energy.

 My comrades folded a dishtowel and put it over my face.  Then they slowly poured water over it.  As soon as the towel was saturated, water began to leak into my nose and throat.  I began bucking almost immediately.  The water rolled straight into my sinuses and lungs, and I was reduced to pure primal instinct.  I was drowning, and my endorphins were on fire!  My buds decided this would be a good time to play Truth or Dare, pulling the towel off just long enough to shout questions into my face.  I really wanted to try Dare, but I guess it would have been a hassle to unstrap me.  I spent most of the day waterboarding. None of my friends even got a chance to try before we packed up. How to waterboard for fun and torture.

It’s impossible to describe the rush of waterboarding, but the effects are still noticeable several weeks later.  I don’t think I’ll be doing it again soon, but my experience has encouraged me to try other extreme sports..like flying jumbo jets or crop dusters.  

JUST US

 

My Famous Bus Stop

My Bus Stop is famous! It was recently featured in a local newspaper!

If you look past the civics lesson in the foreground, you will clearly see the Woolworth’s Building. My stop is right in front of it!Anarchist prepares to get the bicycle beat-down from Tacoma Police…………………………..

Dedicated environmentalists using experimental Green Transportation.

Bombed out hippies take a bong break and roll dumpsters into traffic…………………………
Liberal Arts Students get help with their welding thesis.

Police resort to blow-torching the makeshift monkey wrenchers………………………
Civil servant Hygienics Specialists at work. They like their hippies extra spicy.
A member of olympia port militarization resistance gets a bathing incentive…………………………..

SPICY

 

Santa Hates Liars

The Magic Realm has worked with parents for centuries to ensure discipline. Elaborate systems of bribe and threat have been woven into a comprehensive canon of Processes and Procedures. Parents are still obligated to correct the most egregious behavior. Serious transgressions are punishable by spanking, as it is important to teach children the value of corrective force.

When dealing with soft crimes (sneaking cookies, not staying in bed, whining) it’s often best to use Soft Magic. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough bondable Softies to exert sufficient bribes to ensure discipline year round. Santa and Easter Bunny are overtaxed to the point of burnout, often called upon several months prior to their commitment date. Some desperate parents have resorted to pressing weaker minions into extended service, pushing Tooth Fairy payouts below the TVI (tooth value index).

Many of the most effective fear based creatures of the Magic Realm have been on the dole for decades. Child Psychology and urbanization have ended the tenure of such stalwarts as goblins, trolls, and the boogeyman. Vain attempts to adjust were made during the Industrial Revolution, but relocation (under bridges) and redefining job descriptions (gremlins) were absolute failures.

Modern Parents are obligated to find new sources for threat based acquiescence, and have turned to reality. Compliance is now achieved with the menace of gangs, internet predators, and Chinese toys.

The window for effective Magic Realm usage has narrowed. Parents only have a few years between comprehension and understanding in which to incorporate the canon, but the efficacy is obvious. Despite deep cynicism the children’s traditions of Santa, Easter Bunny, Jesus, and the Tooth Fairy, still remain an integral part of our heritage.

HO HO HO

 

Baseball & Apple Pie

I was stationed on the border of Afghanistan during Operation Baseball and Apple Pie. My Righteous Brigade was charged with daily peacekeeping raids against the Cloven Hooved Blasphemists. One event in particular tattooed the glory of peacing upon my soul.

We were tearing through a rugged village in our Ark of Tailgating, seeking out infidels to repent. As we passed an inauspicious burnt shell of wreckage, a roadside Judas went off, nearly capsizing our Ark down the side gully. Bubba somehow managed to gain control and prevent us from flipping.

I popped out of the turret hole like a whac-a-mole, sweeping the streets with binoculars. Filthy Mosqueteers were scurrying out after us, intent on desecrating our remains. I shouldered my AK4th of July and let loose a volley of Jesus Nails, redeeming the sinners straight into early damnation. As they scurried into a building for cover, I pulled the pin on a Star Spangled Surprise and lobbed it into their den of debauchery.

It’s raining towels, Hallelujah! It’s raining towels..

FREEDUMB