I was stationed on the border of Afghanistan during Operation Baseball and Apple Pie. My Righteous Brigade was charged with daily peacekeeping raids against the Cloven Hooved Blasphemists. One event in particular tattooed the glory of peacing upon my soul.

We were tearing through a rugged village in our Ark of Tailgating, seeking out infidels to repent. As we passed an inauspicious burnt shell of wreckage, a roadside Judas went off, nearly capsizing our Ark down the side gully. Bubba somehow managed to gain control and prevent us from flipping.

I popped out of the turret hole like a whac-a-mole, sweeping the streets with binoculars. Filthy Mosqueteers were scurrying out after us, intent on desecrating our remains. I shouldered my AK4th of July and let loose a volley of Jesus Nails, redeeming the sinners straight into early damnation. As they scurried into a building for cover, I pulled the pin on a Star Spangled Surprise and lobbed it into their den of debauchery.

It’s raining towels, Hallelujah! It’s raining towels..

FREEDUMB

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